Women Friendships; Navigating Challenges & Changes from Mid-life and Beyond
Friendship is something we never outgrow.
No matter our age, life circumstances, or what is happening, close, healthy relationships give us a sense of belonging that’s irreplaceable. Connection with friends encourages our own confidence, our ability to recover from stress, and basically provides positive mental and physical health, and overall well-being.
We first learn about friendship with our initial school experience. However, we also learn and have been influenced by our mothers and their friendships, from our teachers, on the playground, on TV, and most recently, social media. 👯
In childhood, friends are mostly other kids who are fun to play with. In adolescence, there’s a lot more self-disclosure and support between friends, but adolescents are still discovering their identity, and learning what it means to be a trusted friend. Their friendships are helped by learning how to get along on sports teams, school clubs, and activities.
Friendship networks are naturally denser too, in youth, when most of the people you meet go to your school or live in your town. As people move for school, work, and family, networks spread out. Moving out of town for college gives some people their first taste of distancing from friends, family and home.
By young adulthood, people are usually a little more secure in themselves, more likely to seek out friends who share their values on important things.
Many friendships between women are intended to give a sense of belonging and offer many valuable lessons and support. And others are fleeting.
“We have friends for different reasons, seasons, and friends for a lifetime”
As adults, many of us find our circle of women friends during our early married or partnered life, where we’re growing family and career connections. Both people in a partnered life come with their own friendships from school or work. For most couples, the ideal scenario is to have both sets of friends blend beautifully together.
Not everyone gets married or has kids, of course, but even those who stay single are likely to see their friendships affected by others’ couplings.
This all can change when children start coming into the picture. We tend to develop bonds with other mothers with the same school-age children. New friendships arise with other mothers at preschool, elementary school, or playgroups. Our children are developmentally at the same place, and therefore we are at the same place in life.
This naturally creates a sense of community that fosters emotional and practical support for one another. It really does take a village, and these other women become a valuable part of our lives.
During the “Mom of school-age children” period of our lives, we’re busy with work and our family life. Each is very demanding, and finding balance isn’t always an easy task. But, oh, do we value our “Girls Night Out” time!
Any new friends people might make in middle age are likely to be grafted onto other kinds of relationships—as with co-workers, or parents of their children’s friends—because it’s easier for time-strapped adults to make friends when they already have an excuse to spend time together.
As people enter middle age, they tend to have more demands on their time that are often more pressing than friendship. After all, it’s easier to put off catching up with a friend than it is to skip your kid’s play or an important business trip.
Many of these friendships dissipate when the children grow up and move on with their own lives, or we make career moves and go on with our lives. The common bond that we once shared is no longer present. These friendships, with time, can evolve into something else altogether, or fade away.
Once people retire and their kids have grown up, there seems to be more time for the shared-living kind of friendship again. People tend to reconnect with old friends whom they’ve lost touch with. And it seems more urgent to spend time with them— people begin prioritizing experiences that will make them happiest in the moment, including spending time with close friends and family.
As we move through life, people make and keep friends in different ways.
Some women are independent, they tend to make friends wherever they go, and may have more friendly acquaintances than deep friendships. Others are discerning, meaning they have a few best friends they stay close with over the years, but the deep investment means that the loss of one of those friends would be devastating.
Whether people hold onto their old friends or grow apart seems to come down to dedication and communication. Research has found that people need to feel like they are getting as much out of the friendship as they’re putting in, and that that equity can predict a friendship’s continued success.
Friendships are always susceptible to circumstances.
Our needs or expectations of friendships change as we go through life.
As our life transitions, we don’t have the same opportunities or shared experiences to meet other women the way we did when we were younger. And what we are seeking in a friendship now is very different.
We stop relying on our friends as much when we mature, but that allows for a different kind of relationship—one based on a mutual understanding of each other’s human limitations. It’s not ideal, but it’s real, which makes friendship in mid-life and beyond challenging.
As we grow older, we have less time or tolerance for superficial friendships, which tend to fall away.
Some of us are widowed, divorced, or alone and are lonely. Our socialization needs have changed and may now consist of simple one-on-one companionship that is both supportive and meaningful.
Why is making friends in adulthood more challenging?
There are common issues that contribute to the morphing of female friendships in mid-life and beyond.
Priorities. As we move through life, we evolve. Our priorities shift, our interests fluctuate, and sometimes our friendships need to adapt accordingly. Maybe one of your friends decides to embark on a new career path or dive headfirst into a new relationship. Suddenly, you're navigating uncharted territory.
Technology. More people seem to be connecting online rather than in person, thus creating a real-life disconnect. Spending large amounts of time on social media can leave women feeling like they have hundreds of friends, but don’t know anyone intimately enough to grab a coffee with or join them for a movie. They feel lonely. To remedy this: create in-life regular meetups.
Envy. When two friends are on different career or financial tracks, envy can creep up when one person is successful and the other is struggling to stay above water. While meeting and befriending a successful woman can be motivating, it can also be isolating. The goal is to not let these kinds of differences derail a friendship. Remember, people are neither their jobs, their relationships, their possessions, nor their children.
Doesn’t know how to be a good friend. Perhaps there haven’t been good role models in your friend’s life for whatever reason. Some friends are not aware that they need to work at being a good friend, or they may have established beliefs that have not been kind to female friendships. It has been said that a woman’s relationship with her mother may influence her friendships, and that the relationship became a blueprint for subsequent relationships.
Unhelpful core beliefs about friendship. (for example: women are catty; they gossip and don’t tell the truth) can be harmful; however, we believe that guys are straight forward so we may feel “safer” with them. Perhaps some internalized misogyny… again this is learned. 🙄
I want us to step back a moment and consider the sociological perspective of female friendships with this thought by Nigerian author - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, who pointed out in her TED talk, We Should All Be Feminists:
“We raise girls to see each other as competitors – not for jobs or accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing – but for the attention of men.
Women learn to scrutinize themselves – which often also means scrutinizing other women to see how we stack up. We see this in the way women are taught to hate the “other woman” when a man cheats on them and on dating shows that have women compete for men’s attention.
It’s hard to see a woman as a potential ally when you’ve been taught, she’s your competition. Think of all the TV shows and movies that portray this dynamic… Emily in Paris, Gossip Girls…”
Fear of vulnerability, rejection, and comparison. Making new friends means putting yourself out there, and that can be scary. It's especially intimidating if you're someone who's been betrayed, traumatized, or abused in the past, or someone with an insecure attachment bond. Jealousy and comparison are unhelpful thought patterns that influence our approach with relationships and can get in the way of our interpersonal effectiveness to be successful in a friendship.
Different expectations of friendship. Accepting the ebb and flow of a relationship rather than the constant contact isn’t always easy for some people. The “BFF” metaphor sets up an unrealistic expectation that one person will meet all our needs, and be there 24/7.
I don’t know about you, but I spent my adolescence searching for the best friend I thought I needed. I thought I was a misfit for not finding one consistent companion whose world centered around me.
But as I got older, I realized that some friends are better for confiding in after a breakup, while some are better for a fun night out, and that valuing any one person or group above others can be hurtful and unhealthy. WE have friends for different reasons, seasons, and friends for a lifetime.
Giving more than you are getting. You are depositing into their account, but it is not reciprocal. Healthy friendships have an equal give and take. They are flexible because sometimes you give more or take more as necessary, but like a scale, balance is eventually and regularly achieved.
A newfound sense of wisdom and perspective!
The mid-life season also brings with it a newfound sense of wisdom and perspective. You start to shift your expectations, and you appreciate the value of authentic connections and the beauty of shared experiences. You may decide to let some friendships that are not fulfilling fade away. Sure, you may not see some friends as often as you'd like, and yes, there will inevitably be bumps along the way, but you're building your circle of friends.
And let's not forget the power of laughter—the glue that holds female friendships together through thick and thin. Whether you're reminiscing about the good old days or laughing until you cry over a glass of wine, those moments of pure joy are what make it all worthwhile.
Female friendships can truly be some of the most rewarding, fulfilling, supportive, and REAL relationships that we have. Why? Girls simply get each other!
The emotional connection and empathy women feel when talking to another woman is exceptional and unmatched! Women think alike, and this helps us build the strongest of bonds. They aren’t afraid of getting emotional with their friends or venting their hearts out to one another.
Where and how can I find friends in this season of life?
Finding new friends in mid-life and beyond can feel like a daunting task, but fear not! There are plenty of avenues you can explore to expand your social circle and cultivate meaningful connections. I especially encourage you to seek friends that may be out of your own age range; there’s so much richness in learning from each other with generational differences!
Here are some suggestions to get you started:
Join Clubs or Groups: Look for clubs, classes, or interest-based groups in your community that align with your hobbies and passions. Whether it's a book club, gardening group, cooking class, or hiking club, participating in activities you enjoy can naturally lead to meeting like-minded individuals.
Volunteer: Volunteering not only allows you to give back to your community but also provides an opportunity to connect with others who share your values and interests. Whether you're helping out at a local animal shelter, soup kitchen, or community garden, you'll likely meet fellow volunteers who are passionate about making a difference.
Attend Workshops or Events: Keep an eye out for workshops, seminars, or events in your area that cater to your interests or professional development. These gatherings often provide opportunities to mingle and network with others who share similar goals or aspirations.
Utilize Technology: In this digital age, technology can be a powerful tool for connecting with others. Consider joining online communities, forums, or social media groups dedicated to topics you're interested in. Websites like Meetup.com can also help you find local events and gatherings tailored to your preferences. Just don’t forget to also meet people in-person.
Take Classes: Sign up for classes or workshops at community centers, adult education programs, or local colleges. Whether you're interested in learning a new language, honing your cooking skills, or exploring an artistic pursuit, taking classes can be a great way to meet people with similar interests while expanding your knowledge.
Attend Social Gatherings: Don't hesitate to accept invitations to social gatherings, parties, or networking events, even if you don't know many people there. Stepping out of your comfort zone and being open to new experiences can lead to unexpected friendships and connections.
Reconnect with Old Friends: Reach out to old friends or acquaintances you've lost touch with over the years. Rekindling old friendships can be a wonderful way to reconnect with people who share your history and memories.
Stay Active: Engage in activities and hobbies that keep you active and engaged, whether it's joining a fitness class, participating in group sports, or taking regular walks in your neighborhood. Staying active not only benefits your physical health but also provides opportunities to meet others along the way.
Remember, building new friendships takes time and effort, so be patient with yourself and others as you navigate this journey. Stay open-minded, be proactive in seeking out opportunities to connect, and most importantly, be yourself. Check in with your mindset; be aware of some old unhealthy patterns of beliefs that are not serving you that may need to be shifted. With a little persistence and a willingness to put yourself out there, you'll soon find yourself surrounded by a supportive community of friends.
The more meaningful our connections with others, the more likely we’re to live happy, satisfying, and overall healthier lives. So go ahead, give that friend a call!
Need help shifting your mindset and unhelpful beliefs about friendships? I’d be happy to coach you through that; let’s have a conversation about your goals and needs!
Judy Rooney, MSW, LCSW