7 Essential Habits You Can Implement to Improve Your Relationship
It’s February, the month of love and relationships! The word “February,” comes from the Latin word, februa, which means “to cleanse” or purification, which is perfect for my plan of reviewing and enhancing our relationships with our spouse/partner, friends, and our relationship with ourselves.
Unfortunately, we are living in a time of disconnection. Rates of loneliness have been at an all-time high, even though we are more “connected” than ever, thanks to improved internet, transportation, and cell services. There are many reasons for this - that I will not get into now.
Instead, let’s focus on how we can feel and be more connected to those we love and care about.
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day and love, I’m stepping into the abyss of romantic, long-term relationships, and I encourage you to re-assess the status of your love relationship and the habits you have established to maintain and improve this partnership.
What Do Habits Have to Do with relationships?
Research has shown that we have established habits with how we interact with our life partners, and we are not even aware of how these actions impact the quality of our relationship. It’s how we greet our loved ones, respond to them, and spend time with them. Our interactions are on auto-pilot.
We tend to think that relationships take work when they are not working, or if we are trying to build a relationship. It is common for couples to establish patterns of interacting based on life demands with kids, work, and household tasks, and to then not prioritize focused time on each other, well because, we are living life together and we confirm our love with (the habit of saying) “Love you, bye.”
We know that life gets in the way of our relationship. Perhaps we have stopped prioritizing having fun, romance, even adventure in our relationship with the acceptance that this is the phase of life we are in now.
The reality is, we tend to take our relationship for granted after a certain number of years and comfort level, and our relationship can be reduced to a list of “to-do” items to maintain our lifestyle. Relationships do require daily healthy interactions!
We have come to neglect the essence of our relationship, each other.
I’m guilty!
Authors and researchers, John Gottman, Ph.D., and his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Ph.D., have identified seven (7) small shifts in habits for couples that have unequivocally shown to build and really change your relationship, bringing more intimacy, connection, and joy.
In their book, The Love Prescription, the Gottman’s lay out these 7 habits. Whether you are in a new relationship or have been with your partner for 10, 20, 30, or 40+ years, there is always room for more love and connection that will transform your relationship for the better!
7 Habits For An Improved Relationship
How many of these 7 practices are you in the daily habit of doing with your partner?
Make Contact
Having a daily “check-in” time of 10 minutes where you really listen and tune into what your partner may need from you that day. This is great to do at the beginning of the day, or any time that works for you, where you can be focused on each other and not rushing off or being distracted.
Ask the question: “Is there anything you need from me today?” This simple question lets them know that you want to be there for them and builds trust that you are going to do everything you can to have their back.
The Gottman’s also suggest that you practice turning toward your partner when they make a bid for your attention or walk into the room. That means, put your phone down, look up from the computer or TV, and give them your attention, a smile, and make eye contact – a true connection.
Ask a big question
The Gottman’s state, “Any relationship is a process of meeting each other, again and again over the years.” Make it a daily habit to stay curious about your partner’s hopes, dreams, beliefs, fears, and desires. These things change, just like we do. Ask open-ended questions, where there is no yes/no reply that’s possible.
Sample questions:
What legacy do you want our kids to take from our family?
How have you changed this past year?
What are some of your life dreams right now?
If you could wake up tomorrow with 3 new skills, what would they be?
What are 5 movies that you feel have changed your life?
Asking these questions can sometimes be easier if you are walking and talking , rather than sitting across the table from each other. Find your own time and space to get to know your partner every day by expressing interest and curiosity about them.
Say Thank you
We all want to be appreciated for our efforts, to be acknowledged, and to be seen. A simple, sincere, “thank you” can provide this.
When things get stressful for us, it’s easy to focus on things that our partner is not doing. At times we have our own tunnel vision for our own tasks, challenges, and on-going to-do list, failing to see our partner’s own acts of kindness, bids for connection, or attempts to help us out.
It’s not uncommon for us to develop a narrative – a belief that you are putting in all the effort – which becomes your default mental habit. That pre-programmed negativity bias in our brain can take over. We need to change this default setting and start looking for what is going right, instead of wrong. We can rewire our neural pathways by practicing looking for the positive.
The bottom line: change your focus. Whether it’s something routine, a small gesture they may do every day, or a small deal – let them know you are grateful. It is good for your health and your relationship.
Give a real compliment
It is so valuable to fundamentally admire and value who your partner is, after all, this is why you fell in love with them!
Seeing your partner for who they are, their innate wonderful qualities and personality, as well as their not-so wonderful qualities, is OK.
Research has shown that for every one single negative interaction with your partner, you’ll need five positive ones to make up for it. Gottman’s clarify that this is not looking through “rose colored” glasses, but really being accepting of the vulnerabilities that we all have, and overcome, to provide a loving relationship.
Reviving your admiration for your partner on a daily basis, reminding yourself of one specific reason you love and admire your person, and to communicate this to them, will take you miles in terms of a lifetime of love according to the Gottman’s.
Ask for what you need
This is a hard one for us to do because we have been taught that needs are bad, a weakness. Women especially have been socialized not to be “too needy,” and men are socialized to be tough, and strong, and not to have needs. As much as we have pushed back against these stereotypes, they continue to rear their ugly head and have power over us.
When we have experienced our needs being ignored early in life, Gottman’s state it teaches us one of two things:
1. We’re not worthy of having our needs met.
2. Needs are weak and bad.
We are all worthy of asking for and receiving what we need. Needs are normal, healthy, and human; they are essential to your life and well-being. It doesn’t matter if it is a want or a need – they are all valid and should be expressed to your partner.
We need to flip the script on this! Ask for what the need is. Don’t talk about what is wrong, but rather, ask for what the need is that you want fulfilled.
Dropping hints and hoping that your partner is a mind reader doesn’t work.
There is a common mindset that you need to justify your need, want, or desire. Release yourself from this mindset – it is not true or helpful. Instead, think about how you feel – and how you want to feel and what you need that would help you. Then ask for it. Be simple, straight forward, and watch it work.
How you start the conversation sets the tone for how you finish it. Timing also matters. Ask your partner “Are you available?” when you want to be intentional with a conversation. (All these little habits provide big dividends!)
6. Reach out and touch
It is normal for your relationship to hit “the blahs.” Where your sex life may be little to non-existent, or at the bottom of your to-do list. However, the simple act of touching can be like oxygen, as necessary as water and food, for your health.
As humans, we need connection and we would die without physical contact.
Not all touch has to be sexual. Yes, sex is an important part of a relationship, but it is not the only way to experience touch. Many experienced “touch starvation” during the COVID pandemic, which influenced the increase of anxiety and depression symptoms.
Research shows that cuddling leads to more satisfying and long-term relationships for people of all genders. Casual touch like holding hands, kissing, and PDA’s have also been shown to be good for our health and relationship.
Our habits surrounding touch are influenced by our backgrounds, life experiences, and cultural norms, all of which we need to be sensitive to. We all have our own “touch continuum” or spectrum, that may have different settings depending on the context of the touch.
But no matter where you are on the spectrum, incorporating the daily habit of more physical, loving touch in your relationship will build your connection, affection, appreciation, trust and understanding with each other.
Do this touch in an intentional way that feels right and good to you. Just a small, minimal touch, like holding your partner’s hand is powerful enough. Think about how powerful a 20 second hug, a 6 second kiss, a 5-minute shoulder massage, a cuddle on the couch, or even a touch on the arm while you are talking would be.
7. Declare a Date Night
A familiar theme amongst couples who seek counseling is that they have lost the ability to enjoy each other. Their sense of adventure and fun in the relationship is gone. They have lost track of who their partner is, and haven’t committed quality time to the relationship.
It’s common for people to feel lonely in their marriage; where partners feel that they are more like roommates, living parallel lives, sharing a history of children and various life experiences.
“Date Night” does not just mean going to a restaurant, it doesn’t matter where you to or if you go anywhere at all. Date night is about the two of you focusing on connecting with each other without distractions. Your date doesn’t even have to be at night, it can be any time of the day, and does not have to cost money.
However, date night does require a commitment. Gottman’s suggest likening this reserved time as a prescription from a doctor, as an investment for your health. A regular date night is “non-negotiable” because it works. Find and make the time, just for the two of you!
If these 7 habits are already part of your relationship interactions, great! Bravo! Don’t stop!
If not, I encourage you to take inventory and choose which habit you’re going to vow to focus on first.
Remember, it is not always easy to establish a new habit, it takes repetition, consistency, and practice with these actions. It’s showing up as the kind of partner you want to be, and to honor the relationship that you share.
Looking for support with developing your habits and mindset with relationships, check out my coaching services and join my email list to learn of upcoming workshops and more helpful tips.
Judy Rooney, MSW, LCSW
Therapist, Certified Mindset, Habit, and Wellness Coach
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